Thoughts on life, pain and remembering.
I feel like I have been stuck between the changing seasons, like a leaf blowing through Summers & Winters rushing through the Fall & Spring, everything speeding beyond my control. Having a child seems to increase time quickening through trimesters and first kisses, learning to walk and suddenly having a sweet baby with the capability to scream NOOO in your face. I almost can't look at baby pictures of my little two year old. It makes me feel sick with sadness. I'm not sure why, my wedding photos are almost the same. Not because of loss or grief but because for some reason it's hard for me to cope with time.
I love to remember those precious moments, and I'm glad to have them beautifully captured, but something deeper in me doesn't want to admit the aging and ending of life.
Watching someone close to you- get closer to their end is an interesting thing. As many have experienced the pain of loss in different forms... getting next to death brings the storms of squabble to quiet and suddenly only the genuine things shine. What I mean is when life is weighed against only having moments of it left- those little bitter bites aren't worth it.
It's easy to get caught in the freight train of life, moving so fast I feel I can't hold on. It's easy to feel regret when you climb numbers and begin comparing your life to what could have been, or what someone else's looks like.
That's why I think divorce is so despairing... not necessarily because of the future silence, but because of the lens of pain that looks like wasted life. When babies are born, and weddings commence, and the nights of slow dancing in the dark are ripped apart - it leaves everyone in it's jet-stream broken and aching for time. You can't remember without feeling pain.
It's hard when you have a blog that's a creative collection of the best snapshots of your life, handsome man, pretty family, perfect house- perfect life... to reveal the truth. It's just a blog- it's not my therapy session, or my dirty heart's life journal, it's not an explosion of my brain, and truthfully when you don't know your readers personally- it's not always even a real friendship. But from many readers and new friends I've heard a similar story- "Your life looks perfect," or "It must be nice to have a perfect life" you get the idea. And while I am living my dreams more than I ever thought I would be, and I am full with the goodness of life right now... my personal silence has been because between the snapshots of beauty was a lot of pain.
There were times I really didn't think I could make it. I mean- full on need to go to the hospital, check myself in, God deliver me type issues. Lots of drama. Lots of tears. Lots of sadness. I won't go into it all now, because it's still a little sensitive- but the truth is I feel like Spring has finally come to my heart. Summer is here and it's time to take off my shoes.
What I'm trying to tell you is don't be fooled. Don't be fooled by the blogger buns, Bonlook glasses and designer clothes. (which I love it all) Bloggers are just people behind a computer- that's it. A good photographer, a good designer & stylist, knows how to make things beautiful. A selective blogger knows how to show the very best. It's like always dating and never marrying. But I know for a fact that behind the screens are real people with real pain.
And life is not all about pain- but what I'm trying to say, while their are some very grave hardships still occurring around me, there is finally a soft bed for flowers to grow in. I feel the closeness of Kindness kissing me, and though it seems the world is full of sickness and hell- I found beauty today. And I am ever so grateful for the beating heart inside of me, and the unexpected smile my husband whisked by me yesterday, and the little squirmy dancer I call Isabel. - and really it doesn't get better than that.